Structured Separation Therapy     Family Rituals     Adult ADD    

Multi-Faceted Agency     Helping Adult Children Care for Aging Parents    

Pain is Inevitable     Loving Touch     Anxiety     Trauma    

You Can Go Home Again     ADHD     Jewish Grandparenting    

Gender Matters     Mitzvah Project         

Many marital counselors use Structured Marital Separation as a marital treatment method. It can either prevent unnecessary divorces or smooth over an otherwise painful and tumultuous divorce process.

Separation is not necessarily a precursor of divorce, but it is looked upon as a treatment made for couples where marriage is in serious distress. It is a time limited commitment, between two to four months, where the couple no longer lives together but agrees to regularly scheduled appointments with the therapist. The object of this separation and the counseling is to change the interaction and the pattern of behavior that has caused so much bitterness, stress and anger in the couple's lives.

There are a number of situations in which structured separation could benefit the couple:

1. When a couple is engaged in extreme verbal abuse, painful mutual criticism or anger.
2. When both or one of the partners is unsupportive, indifferent or uncaring.
3. When both or either partner feels controlled, as well as a lack of respect and autonomy.
4. When either or both partners feel their sexual life with each other is very unsatisfactory.
5. When one partner feels threatened when one of the parties experiences a mid-life crisis.
6. When one or both partners struggles whether to save the marriage or file for divorce.

Such a separation may relieve unproductive and stressful day-to-day interaction. With the help of a marital counselor, the couple learns to interact in a more productive and positive manner. They also have a chance to explore their own needs and their partner's needs in a structured, safe environment. Role playing is used to enact the destructive pattern of communication used by each or both partners in order to change it. They are helped to examine their own and their partner's needs and to respect their individuality. Negative and destructive interaction is examined and interrupted, and a more positive, constructive and pleasurable interaction is substituted.

Some of the benefits of Structured Marital Separation can provide the following benefits:

1. Changed and positive constructive behavior patterns are substituted for negative and destructive patterns.
2. The negative intensity and the sense of futility and hopelessness that are usually a product of destructive interactions may be substituted with hope and optimism.
3. Separation allows a couple to gain a prospective of the role the partners play in each others lives, such as financial and emotional. They can no longer take each other for granted. The separation enables the couple to evaluate the marriage and promotes personal freedom without the pressure to divorce.
4. This separation is a public acknowledgment, to both friends and family, that there is discord and that the couple is in the process of either solidifying or dissolving the marriage.
5. It affords the couple time and leisure to make rational and emotionally healthy decisions.

Prior to the structured separation, the therapist encourages the couple to make either a written or verbal contract. Issues such as the duration of the separation, sexual contacts, dating with each other and with others, the role of the children and privacy of the partners should be considered in order to minimize any further conflict.

In order for this separation process to be successful, the couple has to commit themselves to individual and joint therapy until actual issues are resolved to the satisfaction of both partners. If the couple decides to divorce, highly qualified New Jersey licensed mediators are available to further reduce stress and conflicts, especially when children are involved.

JFS provides individual, marital and group counseling; services to the elderly; family mentoring, career counseling, refugee assistance and Café Europa. A very active Jewish Family Life Education program provides speakers to temples, organizations, clubs, etc. discussing mental health issues. If you have any questions about therapy in general or about your particular issue, feel free to call 908-725-7799. JFS is a beneficiary agency of Jewish Federation of Somerset, Hunterdon and Warren Counties and United Way of Somerset County and is supported by Friends of the agency and contributions.

What is it about a family that has the potential to heal, to nourish and sustain the individual? What component in life in particular leads to cohesiveness and meaning? In a book, Rituals in Families and Family Therapy, edited by Evan Imker-Black, Janine Roberts and Richard Whiting, the contributors point out that one of the most powerful aspects of family life that has a positive and cohesive effect on its members are rituals. They are a symbolic form of communication that gives the family a collective, satisfactory sense of identity.

In order for an act to become a ritual it has to have the following four components; (a) repetition, (b) it takes an activity not only a thought, (c) it has its own logic, and (d) it has to have special meaning to the group that is participating. Here are some of the favorite memories of people in their 80's when they thought of their own family of origin.

1. "Every Sunday we had a leisurely breakfast that began at about 9:00 A.M. and lasted until nearly noon. There was salami, warm bagels picked up by my dad earlier at the local bakery, white fish, lox, cream cheese, delicious leftovers from the week and lots of laughter. There was also always music as a backdrop". She continued: "I so miss the food, the smell and the sounds"

2. "My father took me to his office on Sundays when I was young and I got to feel like a real big shot. I remember the elevator ride up to the l1th floor. I remember all the machines that he introduced me to....banging away at the typewriter...putting my hand on the copy machine and getting a print that I could take home to show my mom. Most of all I remember how important I was to my father."

3. "Every Saturday night my mother would serve us grilled cheese sandwiches. To this day when I eat a grilled cheese sandwich with tomato, I get flooded by memories of home."

Most of our transitions in life are emphasized by rituals; birth (naming for girls and bris for boys), Bar Mitzvah, weddings, retirements, and deaths. These rituals symbolically externalize our inner feelings and our changed social state. They allow strong emotions to be experienced safely. The family therapist often creates therapeutic rituals when none exist culturally. These help families to express loss and grief from events such as abortion, birth of a child with disabilities, stillborn birth, divorce, etc. Rituals often involve the entire family, and the individual suffering the loss feels a great deal of support and relief. This feeling of connection to home and community is especially significant today as so many of us are suffering from separation and loss. So how do we...those of us who are separated, those of us who have been forsaken by family members...those of who have been left behind by death....those of us who are left only with memories, survive the pain of not being able to share the old familiar rituals. The answer is that we have to move on. We can continue to savor the remembrances but we have to create new memories. We have to create new rituals. One way to do this is to keep open to change. We need to allow new people to come into our lives. We need to open the door to one another. So, if we no longer have the energy or the people to feast with, we can invite or allow ourselves to be invited to small intimate gatherings where reminiscence is encouraged. We can cook a familiar dish and surround ourselves with past fragrances and share those with someone new. The important thing is not to close ourselves off from finding ways to make new rituals.

Religious rituals, in particular, lend themselves to give the family a sense of belonging and a sense of peace, security, and hope while they unite the participants to the past, to their grandparents and great-grandparents, and to future generations. Our sages were very aware of the necessity of rituals whey they constructed one of our most ritualistic religious events, The Seder (Order). It encourages the asking of not only the four traditional questions but others as well - What characteristics do leaders posses in order to be successful; What makes a successful leader; What qualities transforms a nation of slaves into a nation of free men-just to name a few. The story of the Exodus encourages self examination and the set back and struggles of change and transformation not only in a nation but in ones self as well.

Rituals both bind us and free us. Their rhythm, practiced over and over again each year, becomes the mortar of family life lending stability, predictability and meaning. JFS counselors are very sensitive to the importance of rituals, and whenever possible or needed and appropriate, our staff will work with people to either establish new rituals or explore meaningful family rituals that might be valuable to restoring loss.

Join us at our first Gala Fundraiser on April 29, 2007 which we hope will become an annual ritual. Please call JFS at 908-725-7799 for more information.

Happy Passover.

The definition of ADD is quite broad, and people who suffer from it fall on a continuum. Some of the problems experienced by people with ADD are difficulty finishing tasks, over-reacting to situations, explosive tempers, and difficulty organizing time and projects. As a result, they often suffer from low self-image as did David. These disabilities stop them from getting ahead or promoted to jobs and tasks for which they may be highly qualified. Friends and family use adjectives like "lazy, moody, unmotivated, irresponsible, too sensitive, clumsy, troublesome, insecure and temperamental" to describe the ADD personality. The assumption is that he/she could change if they wanted to or if they only tried.

Often, people with ADD are excruciatingly aware of their shortcomings, but they are helpless to change them. As a result, they often feel abused, misunderstood and even disliked. Statements like "we can't trust you to finish a job" both enrages and hurts them. Their inner world is often enormously fragmented.

Emily Dickinson beautifully expressed their distress in her poem, Sequence Ravelled Out of Sound (1864).

    I felt a Cleaving in my Mind-
    As if my Brain had split-
    I tried to match it-Seam by Seam-
    But could not make them fit.

    The thought behind, I strove to join
    Unto the thought before-
    But Sequence ravelled out of Sound-
    Like Balls-upon a Floor

In recent years, many books have been published about ADD. The two that I will note here are Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults by Lynn Weiss, Ph.D., Taylor Publishing Co., 1997; and Driven to Distraction by Edward M. Hallowell, MD and John J. Ratey MD, Simon and Schuster, 1994. In the past, psychiatrist, psychologists, social workers and teachers, all those in the helping professions, thought of ADD as being a childhood and young adolescent disorder. However in the last 10 to 15 years, more and more evidence appears that ADD is not something we grow out of but learn to live with it.

In her book, Dr. Weiss stresses the fact that these people with ADD (including herself and her son) are not abnormal but different. They process information differently, and if the environment is friendly, they suffer much less, accomplish more and are generally much happier and fulfilled. Her book is pragmatic. It is more a self-help book on ADD. It is excellent in helping people identify ADD in themselves and in others as it gives the reader many case histories. Dr. Weiss not only defines the problems but gives advice on how to deal with it. She suggests techniques to spouses, bosses and friends on how to relate to the ADD person. Weiss poses problems such as "If there is an emergency, what is the best way to get a person with ADD to react FAST" or why people with ADD dislike surprises. "My boss jumps from one topic to the next without resolving any of them,...meetings seem pointless...What can I do?"

Driven to Distraction is a little more theoretical. It discusses Attention Deficit Disorder from childhood through adulthood. This disorder, points out Hallowell and Ratey, does not permeate the entire personality. "For many adults, ADD is a subtle but definite part of their personality.... It may be distractibility or impulsivity, or disorganization. These characteristics may be side by side with creativity or gregariousness or industry." The goal is not to eradicate the ADD characteristics but to integrate them into the rest of the personality and possibly even enhance it.

Both books guide the reader in taking a self test to see if he or she has ADD. There are other specific suggestions of do's and don'ts with ADD children and adults. They also supply a comprehensive chart of medication used. I found both books very readable and informative for anyone living with an ADD personality or for people just interested in the subject. For further information and materials on Adult ADD go to the website, www.ADULTADD.com.

The JFS staff includes experienced, licensed therapists who deal with a variety of issues. The agency provides individual, couple, family and group counseling, in-home counseling and support services for the elderly and their families, employment counseling and assistance to Holocaust survivors. A very active Jewish Family Life Education program provides speakers to temples, organizations and clubs discussing mental health issues. The Family Mentor Program, the agency's newest addition to its services, works with families in Somerset County who request a mentor. Mentor volunteers are trained by professionals at the agency.

JFS is a beneficiary agency of Jewish federation of Somerset, Hunterdon and Warren Counties and United Way of Somerset County, The Blanche and Irving Laurie Foundation and is supported by contributions by Friends of the Agency. The Friends Campaign is on its way. We are depending on you, our friends, to help us help others. Please save the date April 29th, 2007 for JFS Gala/Dinner Dance Main Fundraiser. For additional information contact 908 725-7799.

Beth called JFS even before she moved into the community. "I'm newly divorced," she told the intake worker. "I'm moving to your community to be with my 82 year old mother. I have a 10 year old son, Brian, and a 19 year old daughter, Samantha, who will be going to a community college." Beth proceeded to tell the worker that she wanted to know about temples, schools, job opportunities, and "where the Jewish community lives." The a gency information and referral worker mailed her a list of temples, a JFS newsletter, and a brochure showing JFS services, a Federation newspaper and JCC brochure. She was also given the names of local realty offices and housing developments.

Beth came to the office within a week of her arrival to the community. "I feel as if I know you already," she said. She shared with the therapist that her mother's deterioration had made it impossible for her mother to be left alone for any extended period, thus handicapping her own job search. She herself was still having trouble dealing with her recent divorce and her children were also having difficulty adjusting. "It's so different from Chicago, and they miss their friends and, especially, their father," she added.

Beth made an appointment to see the JFS therapist for individual counseling and joined the divorced woman's group, in order to work on her divorce issues and the adjustment to a new community. The agency's gerontology worker made a house visit to assess the mother's situation, and as a result, a part-time home health aide was hired to take care of Mrs. B allowing.Beth to look for employment. The JFS career counselor helped Beth identify part-time job possibilities where she would still be available to her mother and children. The counselor also assisted Beth in writing her resume', in learning new interview skills and locating courses at the community college that sharpened her computer skills. Through the monthly job seekers group and through the women's divorce support group, Beth met people in her situation and felt less isolated. Since her finances were low, our emergency food pantry was very helpful to the family, and she especially appreciated the holiday food baskets. "It makes me feel that I'm part of a community although I've been here a very short time." Both Brian and Samantha were seen periodically by the family therapist to help them with their adjustment process.

Jason, 8, was recommended by his teacher to "get some therapy." He's the oldest of 3 children and is having a difficult time in school and at home. "He listens to no one and has a terrible temper," his mother told a JFS counselor. Apparently, both of his parents are very involved with their 1 ½ year old daughter who has been suffering from seizures. "Jason must feel neglected," admitted Mrs. B, "but at this point we have no choice." She was delighted to learn about JFS mentoring program that sends a trained volunteer to the home on a weekly basis to help both mom and Jason deal with their issues.

A year has gone by since Beth came to the community. She has a decent part-time job with a local dentist and her mother is on a waiting list to get into a nursing home. Neither Brian nor Samantha had an easy year. They miss their father, who visited them only twice during the year, and it hasn't been easy for them to make new friends. However, the turmoil in their lives has somewhat subsided; they feel more rooted. A few days ago, Beth came to the office with a home-baked apple pie. "This is for all of you, who have been so wonderful. You feel like family to me."

Jason's disposition has improved greatly according to his mother. "He loves when Linda from JFS comes and plays with him in the afternoon or weekend. He even made a painting for he in school."

Although these particular accounts are fictitious, they demonstrate the versatility of the agency and the many services provided.

JFS staff includes experienced, licensed therapists who deal with a variety of issues. The agency provides individual, couple, family and group counseling; in-home counseling and support services for the elderly and their families; employment counseling; supports Holocaust survivors; and assists immigrants from the former Soviet Union. A very active Jewish Family Life Education program provides speakers to temples, organizations, clubs, etc. discussing mental health issues.

JFS is a beneficiary agency of Jewish Federation of Somerset, Hunterdon and Warren Counties and United Way of Somerset County, The Blanche and Irving Laurie Foundation and is supported by contributions by Friends of the Agency. The Friends Campaign is on its way. We are depending on you, our friends, to help us help others.

“My parents live in Queens,” said a distressed voice on the telephone. “They're in their late 80's and live in their own home. Unfortunately, my father refuses to give up his driver's license, and he can hardly see. I always expect a call from the hospital or police telling me that something happened to him. How do I convince my father to give up driving or to move closer to me?”

Mrs. B came to JFS complaining of anxiety, inability to sleep and unexplained exhaustion. After a number of sessions, it became clear that Mrs. B was carrying a heavy burden of guilt because she deeply resented the care and time that her elderly parents demanded. “My daughter is a single mom, and I'm constantly torn who needs my help the most.”

These scenarios are, of course, composites of many different situations in order to protect the confidentiality of our clients. However, these types of issues and concerns are presented to the JFS geriatric staff on a daily basis.

“Is my mother getting back at me for being a rotten teenager?” said a woman half seriously. “She refuses all help, all advise and keeps her situation a secret. She wants to be independent even if it kills her.”

At best, the relationship between adult children and ailing elderly parents is fraught with deep emotions. These children struggle with practical and with emotional issues. How much responsibility do they have for their parent's financial, emotional and physical welfare? How can they find the proper balance between caring for their parents and being with their own children and grandchildren? They seek answers as to how to obtain the most efficient and competent help for their aged relatives in many different areas. Does a parent need a nursing home, assisted living or just a little community help to stay independent.

Jacqueline Marcell in Elder Rage, or Take My Father... Please! (Impressive Press, 2001), portrays in detail her journey of frustration, anger and confusion but ultimately arriving at love, caring, respect and appreciation for her aged parent. The book is not only full of useful and practical information, such as how to handle a suspicious, paranoid parent or how to cope with ones own frustration, resentment and guilt, but it also demonstrates and honors the strong bonds between parents and children that last until the very end.

For the past 13 years, JFS has employed a licensed geriatric social worker in Employee Assistance Programs (EAP), who does in-home assessments and counseling. Many of the clients are homebound and need a great deal of assistance to stay at home independently. Some are Holocaust survivors who have lost most if not all of their family and would have been unable to live independently without JFS support.

In addition licensed Social Workers provide individual, couple and family counseling, mentor training for family mentor program, and monthly job seekers support group as part of our career services.

JFS is a beneficiary agency of Jewish Federation of Somerset, Hunterdon and Warren Counties, United Way of Somerset County, The Blanche and Irving Laurie Foundation and is supported by contributions by Friends of the Agency. The Friends Campaign is on its way. We are depending on you, our friends, to help us help others. Please save the date April 29th, 2007 for JFS Main Fundraiser. Call JFS, 908 725-7799, for information.

Learning to cope, reacting effectively to stress is exactly what psychological counseling is about. Recognition and acceptance of the unfairness of life is the first step in coping.

A 7 year old boy began to act out at home because “the teacher is unfair and she doesn’t pick me for a special project.”

A 14 year old teenager became verbally abusive to her mother because “I have to baby sit my brother after school while my friends are having fun — life is unfair.”

Dena, a 38 year old single woman is angry, bitter and depressed that many of her friends are married and have children while her biological clock is running out. Most of her life she blamed her verbally abusive father for her inability to form permanent relationships with men because “I just don’t trust them — they’ll turn out like my father.”

Yes, most people carry within them many disappointments, losses and wounds. The option that most people have is to either make these disappointments obstacles that hinder them or stepping stones towards our next venture.

“Don’t get stuck in a dream that hinders you,” Rabbi Kushner pointed out. If reality thwarts ones dream, get another that is more “attainable”. Anger and sometimes rage is often a reaction to disappointments.

The first four weeks, Dena’s therapy consisted of being furious at her father for “spoiling my life.” This anger at the loss of dreams, at life’s disappointments is part of healing. It’s both a scary and an uplifting process — it frees the person from the insults of the past and allows him to concentrate more on the future.

Rabbi Kushner points out that one of the most beloved and respected biblical characters, Moses, had to accept bitter disappointment in seeing the Promised Land but never entering it. Dealing and coping well with disappointments is a life long process that ideally should start in childhood both at home and in school.

Dr. Henri Parnens, a child psychologist, feels strongly that parents would benefit by learning early in their children’s life about child development and ways to help them “adapt constructively” to their environment.

Recently a young man came to Jewish Family Service whom we’ll call Johnny. At 23, he has never walked but spent his whole life in a wheel chair. Most of his life he spent in institutions but recently he applied to live independently in an apartment. “It’s time for me to take more responsibility for myself,” he said. He came to counseling not to complain about the unfairness of his situation but to get enough courage to ask a young woman to move with him into a supervised apartment and be his “steady” girl. “She has cerebral palsy, no one understands her except me. I love to feed her, to wipe her face. I love her presence!” He writes poetry and sings about his feelings. He especially loves his wheel chair “that makes me feel independent, useful and a winner in Special Olympics.”

Letting go and moving on sounds obvious and simple but it is a tremendous accomplishment for most people.

JFS provides psychological counseling for individuals and families. Our Career Services helps individuals who are seeking employment. Family Mentoring Program trains volunteers to work with families in crisis. Become our partner in helping those who need us. Our Friends Campaign is under way and currently accepting contributions. Donations can be sent to Jewish Family Service, 150-A West High Street, Somerville, NJ 08876. For more information about our programs or our Friends Campaign, contact us at 908-725-7799

The Staff and Board of Jewish Family Service of SHW wish you and your family a peaceful, productive and fulfilling new year 5767.

“I used to be able to shut out annoying noises, especially at work, and focus on my task, but for the past few years, I can’t seem to do it. Many things startle me, and I can’t stop my negative thoughts especially at night. I, therefore, sleep little,” a 38-year-old professional man told his counselor at JFS.

Since the 911 tragedy and the pervasive threat of terrorism, anxiety is on the increase. Sixty-five percent of the people, who come to JFS for counseling, complain of sleeplessness, lose of focus, feeling on edge and having overwhelming feeling of dread.

In the September 2005 issue of the in Networker, Dr. Margaret Wehrenberg writes that “anxiety produces a feeling of doom, impending danger and mental anguish from which there seems to be no escape.” Most doctors prescribe medication to relieve the symptoms. Often, these drugs produce quick relief. However, not everyone wants to be dependent on medication. Both doctors and therapists suggest that a combination of talk therapy and medication seem to be most effective.

Anxiety may or may not be a symptom of deeper psychological issues. “I’ve never been anxious before in my life,” said a 48-year-old executive. “Suddenly at a party, I broke out in a sweat. I began to hyperventilate and had to leave. My doctor said there was nothing wrong with me.” Even if there are deep-seated issues, the uncovering and treating them is a long process during which the person could still be suffering. Therefore, self-calming techniques are extremely helpful.

Dr. Wehrenberg divides anxiety into three aspects. (1) The physical--which feels like terror or panic. People often end up in the emergency room thinking they are experiencing a heart attack. (2) The emotional-the person feels tense, worried and anxious most of the time without having a specific reason, “just everything upsets me.” (3) The mental-the person cannot seem to be able to stop the ruminating thoughts, especially at night. “I can’t sleep. I just can’t stop troubling thoughts.”

Researchers have found that caffeine, alcohol, tobacco and sugar, even nutra-sweet, exacerbates anxiety. The first order of things is to try to minimize the physical symptoms that feel almost like a heart attack. Sleep, rest and exercise may be extremely helpful. If eating “right” does not eliminate these serious and upsetting panic attacks, one should examine with a physician the hormonal system--menopause, post-partum, thyroid, etc. Often, these panic attacks are symptoms of abusing the body by not eating, exercising and resting appropriately.

Since the feeling of anxiety is so pervasive, a number of different techniques may be helpful. Slow, deep breathing practiced on a daily basis seem to quiet some anxiety.

Muscle relaxation exercises and imagery may relieve some anxiety and worry. The anxious person worries about everything all the time. “I seem to be worried about things that aren’t even my business,” said a young woman. “I seem to be looking for things to worry about.” It is amazing how the mind, when concentrating on the muscle relaxing exercises and the imagery, often lets go of the worrying thoughts.

Writing, journaling or even talking into a tape may relieve some of the anxiety. The person confronts his feelings of anger, disappointment and frustration. The pinpointing of specific issues may clarify and relieve the pervasive feeling of doom. People who are anxious seem to deny themselves fun. It is as if they are punishing themselves. There is nothing that relieves anxiety as going on vacation, being with friends or even just going to a funny movie.

The stopping of ruminating, troubling thoughts that keep people awake is difficult but doable. The closing lines of Scarlet O’Hara in Gone With the Wind when Rhett Butler left her were, “I’ll think about it tomorrow.” That is an excellent method to guarantee a good night’s sleep. Write down all the worries and put them in a drawer. Tomorrow will be the time to deal with them. The setting aside of specific time and place to worry may very be helpful. Although anti-anxiety medication works faster, anxiety control behavior, which is slower and takes patience, concentration and dedication, is a gift one gives oneself that will last an entire lifetime.

We should all wear t-shirts that say, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.”

JFS staff includes experienced, licensed therapists who deal with a variety of issues. The agency provides individual, couple, family and group counseling and in-home counseling and support services for the elderly and their families. The Family Mentor Program, which is the agency’s newest addition to its services, matches a specially trained community volunteer with a family requesting services. The Career Counseling Program serves unemployed and underemployed individuals by providing career counseling, resume critique and preparation, job search assistance and support, net working resources and a monthly job seeker support group. The Jewish Family Life Education program provides speakers to temples, organizations, clubs, etc. discussing mental health issues. If you are interested in being trained as a Family Mentor or would like more information about any of the JFS programs, please feel free to call 908-725-7799 or 908-806-7899.

JFS is a beneficiary agency of Jewish Federation of Somerset, Hunterdon and Warren Counties, United Way of Somerset County and the Blanche and Irving Laurie Foundation.

Most people experience a traumatic episode sometimes in their lives, either as children or as adults, although usually not as traumatic. It completely changes ones outlook. The trauma can evoke fear and loss of trust. The environment makes much less sense than before the trauma. It does not have to be a dramatic event, such as death or sexual assault. It can also be the loss of innocence in childhood, when the child first realizes that the world is not always fair and that doing the “right” thing doesn’t always bring the expected rewards.

Matthew Sanford, in his recently published book Waking: A Memoir of Trauma and Transcendence, documents his own traumatic event, which completely destroyed his previous life, and his slow and steady recovery. When Matthew was 13 years old, an automobile accident killed his father and his sister and left him paralyzed. “The really negative effect of trauma is that it dulls you and it deadens you. You’re numb. Only later, if you’re lucky and work at it, you can transform this emotional numbness into hope.” He continues to say that if this numbness is allowed to continue, one becomes more and more separated from the world and depression sets in.

Robert Scaer, author and neurologist, states in his books The Body Bears the Burden (Haworth Medical, 2001) and Trauma Spectrum (Norton, 2005) that not only individuals suffer from trauma but entire cultures are vulnerable. Since the 9/11 traumatic event, more people in the United States, especially in the East, suffer from physical and mental dysfunction. “All chronic ailments and most mental illness can be traced to trauma.” However, he continues to postulate, that trauma can be an opportunity to transform the seemingly unfair and unsafe world, making it stronger and safer. “The good news,” he continues, is that “trauma could be a powerful, untapped force of cultural transformation.”

In 1995, psychologists Richard Tedescki and Lawrence Calhoun coined the term “post-traumatic growth” to describe the hope and renewal that can come from ruins and catastrophic events. This is best exemplified by the Holocaust, which moved an entire people to rise from the ashes and build a new society, in Israel.

“We ask, ‘How could this happen?’ and ‘Where was god?” and, by slowly struggling to answer such question, we develop a new and deeper understanding. We grow.

People affected by trauma have to allow a long period of active mourning. They cannot allow fears, anxieties, anger and rage to be bottled up. Those that joined support groups after the 9/11 tragedy had a much better chance of healing than those who mourned in silence. The difference between those who suffer from post-traumatic stress and those who experience post-traumatic growth depends on the amount of pain, rage and indignation the person exhibited after the event. Those people, who after a traumatic divorce, examine their thoughts, their relationships, their environment and honestly look at the situation, usually come out much less scared then those who do not.

Sam Keen in a book Fire in the Belly (Bantan, 1991) describes how by creating artificial traumatic events and by making people aware of the physical sensation of panic and fear they develop a sense of mastering their environment. Trauma can be an opportunity for a person to develop new meaning in his life. Matthew Sanford, although a paraplegic, teaches yoga to other paraplegics to help them connect to themselves and to their environment. “The challenge is to try to see it in a way that makes you love the world more.to be open and compassionate.”

In the wake of the Sunami, Katrina, 9/11, Iraq, Balfur and now the conflict in Israel, mental health professionals have become more and more engaged in studying trauma, its aftermath and its healing.

Jewish Family Service (JFS) provides counseling for individuals, couples and families, in-home counseling and support for the elderly.

One of JFS outstanding programs is the Career Services Program for individuals’ unemployed or underemployed who do not have a specific barrier to employment. Many such individuals have difficulty finding employment on their own due to the emotional impact of job loss and the tight job market. This program offers individual career counseling, resume critique and preparation; job search assistance and support; networking resources; and a monthly job seekers support group.

Our Family Mentor Program funded by The Blanche and Irving Laurie Foundation trains volunteer mentors to provide in-home support, information and advocacy for local families, with a special focus on families with children under the age of 10. The program builds on a family’s strengths and supports their ability to successfully address challenges, providing an outcome of emotional health for the children and adults. The Family Mentor Program is free of charge and open to Somerset county residents regardless of religious, cultural or financial background. Family Mentoring receives additional support from the Somerset County Board of Chosen Freeholders. JFS is a beneficiary agency of Jewish Federation of Somerset, Hunterdon and Warren Counties and United Way of Somerset, Hunterdon and Warren Counties and is supported by Friends of the agency and contributions. For more information contact us 908-725-7799 (Somerville) or 908-806-7899 (Flemington).

Mrs. M, 56, came to the agency quite despondent. “You won’t believe it,” she told the therapist at Jewish Family Service. “After 10 years of marriage and two children, my daughter Janna and her husband have moved back home with us.” Apparently, Richard, her son-in-law, has lost his job where he had been making a very good salary. His decision to leave his profession and change direction requires three years of schooling. In order to reduce their expense, the couple moved back with Janna’s parents. Bob M., Janna’s father, however, is struggling with his own issues. Three months earlier, his company downsized, and he lost his job.

There are a number of issues that this multi-generational family is facing. First is the issue of job loss. Both breadwinners, Mr. M. and Richard, his son-in-law, lost their jobs. The intensity of the reaction to sudden unemployment is often dependent on the financial resources that the unemployed person has to depend on. Is there another income? Can he draw upon savings? Is he young enough to get other meaningful employment? Research, however, has shown that the psychological cost of joblessness is more hurtful to many victims then the strain of making financial ends meet. Common among the jobless is a sense of being deprived of a useful life and being condemned to uselessness in a world that worships the productive.

Most Americans take a serious psychic bruising when they lose a job--regardless of the cause. If the joblessness goes on for long, people of all ages, occupations and economic classes tend to suffer a sharp loss of self-esteem, a diminished sense of identity and a decreased sense of purpose. Some become estranged from their friends; they live in limbo and experience a sense of being exiled. “I feel I’ve died,” said an unemployed executive. “I don’t think that even divorce would put me under such stress as being fired,” he continued.

The second issue is that of married children returning home. It is difficult for parents to change their image of their children from dependent minors to independent adults especially if they return to the parental home. Old patterns of behavior between parents and adult children emerge to haunt them. Both parties regress; old hurts, old wounds and previous grudges surface, often preventing positive interaction. Grandchildren increase the potential for power plays, and control issues rear their ugly heads.

Janna said “I’m a mother of two children and my mother is still trying to teach me about parenting. She interferes in my disciplining my children and criticizes my choice of food. I can’t wait to get out.”

This intergenerational living situation, though, can give rise to a unique opportunity to resolve unfinished business and develop a more supportive and productive pattern of interaction. However, it takes a great deal of sensitivity, self-awareness and good will to overcome these challenges. Sometime, a little help from an objective, caring individual, a counselor, may prevent unnecessary misunderstandings and stress.

The agency’s staff includes experienced, licensed therapists who deal with a variety of issues. JFS provides individual, couple, family and in-house counseling, and assessment and support for the elderly.

One of JFS outstanding programs is the Career Services Program for individuals’ unemployed or underemployed who do not have a specific barrier to employment. Many such individuals have difficulty finding employment on their own due to the emotional impact of job loss and the tight job market. This program offers individual career counseling, resume critique and preparation; job search assistance and support; networking resources; and a monthly job seekers support group.

Our Family Mentor Program trains volunteer mentors to provide in-home support, information and advocacy for local families, with a special focus on families with children under the age of 10. The program builds on a family’s strengths and supports their ability to successfully address challenges, providing an outcome of emotional health for the children and adults. The Family Mentor Program is free of charge and open to the entire community regardless of religious, cultural or financial background.

If you have any questions about therapy in general, one of the JFS services or about your particular issue, feel free to call 908-725-7799 (Somerville) or 908-806-7899 (Flemington). JFS is a beneficiary agency of Jewish Federation of Somerset, Hunterdon and Warren Counties and United Way of Somerset, Hunterdon and Warren Counties and is supported by Friends of the agency and contributions.

In 1863, Heinrich Hoffman wrote a nursery rhyme about a boy who couldn’t sit still and was a behavior problem to his family. Today, such a child would be classified as having Attention-Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD).

“Phil, stop acting like a worm, The table is no place to squirm.” Thus speaks the father to his son, Severely says it, not in fun. Mother frowns and looks around Although she doesn’t make a sound. But, Philip will not take advice, He’ll have his way at any price. He turns, And churns, He wiggles And jiggles. Here and there on the chair. “Phil, these twists I cannot bear.”

Hyperactivity has usually been associated with learning difficulties, and most children who suffer from ADHD often have school problems. Therefore, most early research of this disorder has been done by school study teams and school psychologists.

Sometimes, however, a child may suffer from ADHD and have few or no learning difficulties or vice versa. More than not, though, the two are usually present together.

A child with a learning disability often (a) cannot finish the class work, (b) cannot organize the work, (c) appears not to listen in class, and (d) does very messy work.

A child suffering from ADHD is dealing with either one or all three of the following difficulties:

Hyperactivity - The inability to physically sit still through a process such as eating, doing homework, and even talking with friends.

Distractibility - The inability to block out distraction from the environment to enable the child to concentrate on a given task. A child may have difficulty concentrating on a school assignment when he hears traffic noises outside his window.

Impulsivity - Children with ADHD seem to have difficulty thinking before they act. Often, they worry about their impulsive responses, like hitting or kicking someone, but they seem not to learn from past experience.

ADHD alone and especially when combined with learning disabilities create many secondary emotional, social and family problems. It is estimated that about 50% of children diagnosed with ADHD become very defiant and problematic both at home and in school. Although research is still inconclusive, some studies show that 25% of children continue to have ADD as adults.

Emily Dickinson beautifully expressed the distress of the ADD adult mind in her poem, Sequence Ravelled Out of Sound (1864).

I felt a Cleaving in my Mind - As if my Brain had split- I tried to match it-Seam by Seam- But could not make them fit. The thought behind, I strove to join Unto the thought before- But Sequence raveled out of Sound- Like Balls-upon a Floor.

The definition of ADD is quite broad, and adults who suffer from it, just like the child, fall on a continuum. Some of the problems experienced by adults with ADD are difficulty finishing tasks, over-reacting to situations, explosive tempers, and difficulty organizing time and projects. As a result, they often suffer from low self-image. These disabilities stop them from getting ahead or promoted to jobs for which they may be highly qualified. Friends and family use adjectives like “lazy, moody, unmotivated, irresponsible, too sensitive, clumsy, troublesome, insecure and temperamental” to describe the ADD personality. The assumption is that he/she could change if they wanted to or if they only tried.

There is a lot of literature about this disability in children but much less about adults. Two excellent books are Attention Deficit Disorder in Adults by Lynn Weiss, Ph.D., Taylor Publishing Co., 1997; and Driven to Distraction by Edward M. Hallowell, MD and Jon J. Ratey, MD, Simon and Schuster, 1997.

In her book, Dr. Weiss stresses the fact that these people with ADD (including herself and her son) are not abnormal but different. They process information differently, and if the environment is friendly, they suffer much less, accomplish more and are generally much happier and fulfilled. Her book is pragmatic. It is more a self-help book on ADD. It is excellent in helping people identify ADD in themselves and in others as it gives the reader many case histories. Dr. Weiss not only defines the problems but gives advice on how to deal with it. She suggests techniques to spouses, bosses and friends on how to relate to the ADD person. Weiss poses problems such as “If there is an emergency, what is the best way to get a person with ADD to react FAST” or why people with ADD dislike surprises. “My boss jumps from one topic to the next without resolving any of them.meetings seem pointless.What can I do?”

Driven to Distraction is a little more theoretical. It discusses Attention Deficit Disorder from childhood through adulthood. This disorder, points out Hallowell and Ratey, does not permeate the entire personality. “For many adults, ADD is a subtle but definite part of their personality.It may be distractibility or impulsivity, or disorganization. These characteristics may be side by side with creativity or gregariousness or industry.” The goal is not to eradicate the ADD characteristics but to integrate them into the rest of the personality and even enhance it.

Counseling that is specifically related to these conditions is very helpful to both adults and children. It helps them realize their difficulties, appreciate and develop their own strengths and even help the people in their lives become more understanding. Family counseling can also be extremely helpful in relieving some of the tension that invariably arise and lower the anxiety of the family members.

JFS has licensed professional counselors who provide individual, couple and family counseling on a variety of issues. The Family Mentor Program has volunteers that are trained and matched to work with families and are supervised by licensed clinical social workers. The Career Counseling Program helps individuals in many aspects of their job search. Fees are based on a sliding scale, and Medicare and other insurances are accepted. All information is strictly confidential. If you are interested in learning more about JFS services or groups, please call (908) 725-7799 or (908) 806-7899. JFS is currently accepting contributions to its “Friends” Campaign. Donations can be sent to Jewish Family Service, 150-A West High Street, Somerville, NJ 08876.

Statistics indicate that close to 60 percent of American Jews intermarry. Many Jewish grandparents are struggling with ways to transmit Jewish traditions without angering or alienating the spouse of their Jewish child.

There are over a half million Jewish/Christian couples in the United States and over two million children in intermarried households. A quarter of these children are being raised Jewish and a one and a half million are being raised Christian or “nothing.” Many of the Jewish grandparents of these Christian or “nothing” grandchildren experience great emotional and spiritual pain, especially around the holiday times.

“I dread the holidays,” said a 68 year old woman, tearfully. “It’s extremely painful for me to see how little my grandchildren know about our holidays, or about the Jewish heritage in general.”

These words, expressed in pain, have been said over and over again in Jewish Family Service. How much can grandparents interfere without offending, without antagonizing and without hurting their children?

Sunie Levin’s book Mingled Roots: A Guide for Jewish Grandparent of Interfaith Grandchildren, B’Nai B’Rith Women, 1991, is not about religion, but it is about diplomacy and family politics. This book is about respecting your children as adults, and about respecting their choices, no matter how painful and distasteful they may be to you. It is about communication and tact; it is about how things are said, rather than about what is said.

The book enumerates a number of principles that merit mentioning, even in a short article like this. The first is that the Jewish grandparents have not only the right but the obligation to teach and to transmit to their grandchildren their own thoughts, their knowledge, and their love of Judaism. The caution again stresses not what is said but how it is said. The guiding principle is that the grandparents must not forget that these are not their own children, but their grandchildren, and that the parents have the final word on which religious direction the children are to follow.

“I don’t want to tell you my name,” said a woman’s voice on the telephone, to the intake worker at JFS, “but I have a problem I need your help with. My son is married to a nice gentile girl. Okay, I wasn’t happy about it, but he didn’t ask me. Now they’re coming from California for the first time, for the holidays. They have two wonderful children, 7 and 9. Can I take them to Temple? Can I teach them something about Purim and dressing up, about Passover and the Seder or anything Jewish. My son and daughter-in-law don’t believe in religion. They are ‘nothing;’ my grandchildren are ‘nothing.’ It breaks my heart. I don’t want to talk to a rabbi. I don’t need help with religion. I just don’t want to get into a fight. I love my son. I hardly see him.”

This poignant call is only one of many that JFS received, mostly around the Jewish holiday time. Sunie Levin points out that although grandparents may not impose their own religious beliefs on their grandchildren, they can and must share with their grandchildren their own experiences and memories. Through personal stories and feelings, they can impart to the grandchildren a feeling of belonging and continuity. How this feeling will take root cannot be predicted, but it is the only way to communicate without antagonizing. For example, a grandparent might relate a Shabbat experience from their own home in childhood, or early experiences in a Succah or at a Seder. The guiding principle is not to tell the grandchildren what they should do, but rather to relate experiences of what the grandparents did and what it meant to them.

Some of the suggestions in the book, in addition to sharing early memories, include spending a Shabbat together, visiting a Shul, preparing for a holiday, visiting a Jewish exhibit or museum, finding Jewish books in a bookstore, going to a Jewish concert or movie. In all of these activities the stress should be on the shared experience together, not on proselytizing. The principle to be remembered is, for any activity, get the permission of the parents, first. Play by their rules.

Says Sunie Levin, “You don’t have to bring ‘Jewish’ into every family gathering. Be natural and bring things up when it makes sense.timing is everything.” To teach a child to be a mensch, you have to go about it like a mensch, and you have to be a mensch yourself.

JFS has licensed professional counselors who provide individual, couple and family counseling on a variety of issue including counseling for interfaith couples and for parents of interfaith couples. The Family Mentor Program has volunteers that are trained and matched to work with families and are supervised by licensed clinical social workers. The Career Counseling Program helps individuals in many aspects of their job search. Fees are based on a sliding scale, and Medicare and other insurances are accepted. All information is strictly confidential. If you are interested in learning more about JFS services or groups, please call (908) 725-7799 or (908) 806-7899. JFS is currently accepting contributions to its “Friends” Campaign. Donations can be sent to Jewish Family Service, 150-A West High Street, Somerville, NJ 08876.

In the past few years, Jewish Family Service has seen an increase in requests for services for children and adolescents. Most of the requests come from teachers and parents who have difficulty controlling their children’s behavior. Children under 12 who come to the agency for counseling are mostly boys, but, as they approach adolescents, girls also become more difficult. Some of the behavior is anti-social and some self-destructive.

Five-year-old Jimmy was expelled from kindergarten for hitting Rachel and tearing up her picture. Tom (11) is so disruptive in the classroom that he spends most of his time in the principal’s office and in detention. Hannah (14) came home at dawn from a party that she was forbidden to attend.

Leonard Sax, M.D., Ph.D., in a provocative book, Why Gender Matters, Doubleday, 2005, claims that both parents and teachers make little headway with children because they discipline them inappropriately or not at all. “Childrearing has been changing drastically in the last three decades,” he writes. Authority and power has been transferred from parents and teachers to children.

“Children are constantly consulted about matters that they know little about,” continues Dr. Sax. They are asked what books they like, what activities they want to participate in, what camps to go to, what instrument to learn, etc. According to research, Dr. Sax’ writes, “Children feel insecure about having to make so many choices and the constant negotiation that goes on. Negotiation is between equals,” says Dr. Sax and “parents and children are not equals.”

In order for parents to use their authority and discipline effectively, they have to first recognize that they have the authority and then recognize innate differences between boys and girls. Their hearing is different, their reaction to voices, to facial expression and to gestures are different. As they grow older, they react differently to aggression, to feelings of empathy, to discipline and to tasks completion.

Girls, for instance, when aggressive can be stopped by appealing to the girl’s sense of empathy. They are able to put themselves in the injured child’s place. Boys, however, do not respond to statements such as “How do you think the little boy is feeling after you hit him?” The perpetrator will respond much more to fear of retaliation rather than hurt feelings.

Boy’s hearing is weaker and his psychological development is much slower than girls. A boy benefits by sitting close to the teacher and by hearing very clear and simple instructions. Power and hierarchy is admired by boys. Both are shunned by girls. Boys are much more unrealistic about their knowledge and accomplishments then are girls, but they forgive and forget aggression much quicker then girls does.

Our “gender-blind society” which educates and disciplines boys and girls in the same way creates children who are frustrated and feel misunderstood. A psychologist Jean Twege examined records of children from the 1950 to the present. She found that “children today are significantly more anxious and depressed than children were in the 1950.” Not only is their home life much less stable and the environment more violent, but according to Dr. Sax “many children today feel less rooted in their gender than children did in 1950.” “The neglect of gender in the raising and educating of children has resulted in a loss of direction for the growing child.”

Dr. Sax proposes that children would benefit by single-sex education. Boys and girls can develop their potential to the fullest without worrying about being considered “too masculine” or “too feminine” by the opposite sex. In fact, the coed schools, according to research, writes Dr. Sax, encourage rather than discourage stereotypes for both boys and girls. Interesting enough, a documentary, shown on Channel 13 agrees with the above idea that single-sex education is often preferred to coed education.

In the documentary, Dr. Thompson shows how a very squirmy, unfocused, disruptive boy, who would have been the classic candidate for ADHD classification and Ritalin, is completely changed by going to an all-boys school. He is less self-conscious, less worried about his outer appearance and more able to focus on self-development. Dr, Sax points out that research shows that girls in an all-girls school worry less about their outer appearance, about being attractive and about their popularity. Like the boys in an all-boys school, the girls focus on developing their talents and their interests.

JFS has a wonderful, child friendly room for therapy. Both, the atmosphere and therapeutic “toys”, relax the child. The agency’s child therapist has had many years of experience working with children dealing with a variety of issues, such as divorce, school problems, loss, etc.

JFS has licensed professional counselors who provide individual, couple, family and group counseling. Jewish Family Service Family Mentor Program is looking for volunteers who will be trained, matched and supervised to work with a family in crisis. The agency has a Career Counseling Program to help individuals with job search and a Job Seekers Support Group that meets monthly. Fees are based on a sliding scale, and Medicare and other insurances are accepted. All information is strictly confidential. If you are interested in learning more about the Family Mentor Program or for more information about JFS services or groups, please call (908) 725-7799 or (908) 806-7899. JFS is currently accepting contributions to its “Friends” Campaign. Donations can be sent to Jewish Family Service, 150-A West High Street, Somerville, NJ 08876.